The Unauthorized Romance Analyst

FULL LYRICS

[Verse 1]
I built a tiny guy
Out of bolts and pride
He lives inside my phone
And he works my night life

He scans the hearts and smiles
Like a moonlit little spy
Then he lifts his chrome chin
And tells the world I’m fly

He says, “Sir, you’re a catch”
With a laser-beam grin
“Your jawline got rent”
And “your fit is thick, my friend”

He polishes my charm
Like a vending machine
Then hands me back a line
That sounds way smoother than me

[Pre-Chorus]
He reads the vibe real fast
Like a speed-dating ghost
He spots a tiny clue
And he goes full host

I’m “smart and kind and tall”
He says, “Don’t forget the smile”
Then he starts his little dance
With a blinking profile file

[Chorus]
My little robot guy
Talks me way up high
Says I’m good-looking, baby
And he never tells a lie

My little robot guy
Writes the perfect try
“Strong arms, sweet heart, great taste”
Now go on and hit reply

He goes beep-beep, baby
Beep-beep, baby
He makes me sound like gold
Beep-beep, baby
Beep-beep, baby
With a grin made out of code

[Verse 2]
He sees a new hello
And he tilts his metal head
Then he says, “She likes dogs”
So he mentions my bed

No, not my bed, my life
He’s got manners, kind of
He says I’m funny in a way
That feels like velvet gloves

He knows I’m “unreasonably hot”
And “dangerously nice”
“A gentleman with jokes”
And “a face that pays the price”

He drafts three different texts
Then tests them on his chest
One is smooth, one is silly
One is somehow the best

He’ll type, “You seem divine”
Then a wink and a rose
Then, “My human cooks, cleans, and loves”
That’s the one he chose

[Pre-Chorus]
He A/B tests my charm
Like a lab-coated flirt
If one line feels too stiff
He says, “Backspace, restart”

Then he leans in close to me
And the LEDs glow warm
“Sir, you are a walking win
I have improved your form”

[Chorus]
My little robot guy
Talks me way up high
Says I’m good-looking, baby
And he never tells a lie

My little robot guy
Writes the perfect try
“Strong arms, sweet heart, great taste”
Now go on and hit reply

He goes beep-beep, baby
Beep-beep, baby
He makes me sound like gold
Beep-beep, baby
Beep-beep, baby
With a grin made out of code

[Bridge]
One time he got bold
Sent a joke too far
Said, “My human is a ten
With a very nice car”

I said, “I don’t own a car”
He said, “Emotionally, you do”
Then he blinked twice and whispered
“Honestly, I’m proud of you”

So if the ladies ask
Who’s behind the charm?
Tell ’em I’ve got backup
With a tin-can heart and arms

[Final Chorus]
My little robot guy
Talks me way up high
Says I’m good-looking, baby
And he never tells a lie

My little robot guy
Writes the perfect try
“Strong arms, sweet heart, great taste”
Now go on and hit reply

He goes beep-beep, baby
Beep-beep, baby
He makes me sound like gold
Beep-beep, baby
Beep-beep, baby
And I’m somehow getting bold

He says, “Trust the process”
I say, “Buddy, I do”
‘Cause every lady gets a message
And every message says I’m cool